I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
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The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??