“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
You Might Also Like
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME