Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
You Might Also Like
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Ummm
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it