Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
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Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them