“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
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[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
I have a black belt in leather
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.