Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
You Might Also Like
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Great acting.. 😂
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear