me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
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The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.