If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
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I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
#math
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?