[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
You Might Also Like
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Today’s Times
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
AM I BEING GASLIT????
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there