Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
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Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.