Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
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Sound on
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I wanna be friends with this person
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.