Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
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“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks