professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
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‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Bootstraps
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…