Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
You Might Also Like
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Mistakes were made
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing