me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
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get you a girl who
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.