Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
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Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Snapes on a plane.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
☺️
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Close call…
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?