I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
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I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
A ghost story
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office