My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
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I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
This is what makes twitter great
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.