*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
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I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?