This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
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The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅