“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
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When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
your honor my client chooses dare
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?