Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
You Might Also Like
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.