I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
You Might Also Like
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right