[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
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A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡