I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
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Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.