Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
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Natural selection at its finest
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
first you must answer his riddles
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin