Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
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I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”