Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
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Best spot.. 😅
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.