Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
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I beg your pardon?
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?