I mean…but I did
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me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together