CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
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Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
me refusing to leave twitter
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Called it
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.