Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
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judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Sharon, call the vet
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
just got my engagement photos
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.