Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
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[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
LA today:
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Vodka burrito was a success
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again