Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
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Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
❤️❤️❤️
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying