My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
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You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Whisper out to librarians!
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
wish me luck lads
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming