Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
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I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?