Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
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If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls