When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
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Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Another interpretation of pavlov鈥檚 experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 馃幎Like a good neighbor, state farm is there馃幎
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Today鈥檚 homeschooling Google searches:
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You鈥檙e damn right there鈥檚 a problem!