Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
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“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced