Mad Max: Furry Road
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My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers