Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
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Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing