I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
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If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
What?
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*