Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
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I’d rather go liquor treating.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
notice
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.