You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
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Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.