When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
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She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.