Alarms are for people without children or puppies
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Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed