The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
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That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
knights of the ikea table
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.