All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
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Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Breaking news:
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
I would move hell over six inches for you
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.