HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
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Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache