Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
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Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.